Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts: A Lesson from 1 Peter 3
This morning’s Bible study was on 1 Peter 3:1-15a, which begins,
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
My goal here is not to exegete the passage or to answer every question that may arise from this reading. There are a multitude of commentaries that are excellent for those purposes. Rather, my purpose is to share a few thoughts related to practical application, assuming a straightforward understanding of the text.
Many Christians view this passage as something to ignore before marriage and then attempt to apply after marriage, but by that time it’s too late. The right time to examine this passage is before you have made a lifetime commitment.
1. Marriage is not to be taken lightly.
As I’ve said many times, the first question everyone must ask is not, “Who should I marry?”, but rather, “Should I marry?” After Jesus told his disciples that marriage is to be between one woman and one man for their entire lifetime, the disciples responded, “If such is the case…it is better not to marry.” Jesus then affirmed this truth, saying, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given.” (Matthew 19:10).
In other words, the requirements of the marriage commitment are exceptionally difficult; therefore, do not enter into it lightly! The government might say that you are free to divorce, but God does not,1 and his commands trump those of any government.
In today’s passage, Peter presents an even more sobering – and, for the obedient and rational Christian, caution-inducing – instruction on marriage. In short, women are to submit to their husbands, and men are to show honor to their wives. A woman who doesn’t show respect to her husband and allow him to lead her is disobedient to God, and a man who doesn’t honor his wife and treat her with gentleness is likewise disobedient to God. And disobedience to God is a very serious thing. Therefore, do not marry someone with whom you cannot interact accordingly, for the consequences may be crippling.
2. Women who marry must choose carefully, thoughtfully, and wisely.
Women who marry must choose someone to whom they can submit, someone they can respect, and someone who loves, appreciates, and facilitates their “pure conduct”. They must never marry someone who willingly or persistently leads them into sin, who willingly or persistently fails to prioritize God’s priorities, who takes his leadership role lightly, or who makes difficult her calling to respect and submit to him as the head of the home. A woman who disregards this advice places herself in an incredibly vulnerable position.
Sisters, if you marry a man who gets his values from the culture, his entertainment from Netflix or Disney, his financial policies from his “intuition”, his priorities from his feelings, or his identity and worth from his career, you will be subject to many hardships that threaten to leave you isolated, lonely, weak, poor, and without biblical recourse. As a woman who has seen the consequences of bad marriages, this passage sends chills up my spine. And if you are a young woman who has not yet entered a lifetime commitment of marriage, it should do the same to you.
It is imperative that Christian women marry a man who is committed not only to personally rejecting the cultural values of the day, but also to actively fighting against them for the sake of his own character, his family, and the gospel. He must actively read data-driven and historically-accurate non-fiction books to fill his mind with information that helps him makes good and effective decisions. He must find his identity and value in Christ alone so there is no tension when he must choose between receiving the approval of those around him and receiving the approval of the Lord. He must read the biographies of Christian martyrs and those who have suffered (and are suffering) shame, rejection, and hardship as a result of their Christian commitment, so that he is not tempted to cower at the thought of standing up for truth and goodness when it costs him comfort and ease in this life. He must be willing and able to speak gently to his family on important issues, to listen compassionately to their hearts and their concerns, to problem-solve interactively when needed, to engage with them thoughtfully even when he would rather “check out” mentally, and to notice and affirm all that is good and Christlike in them. Apart from finding a man like this, a woman is a fool to marry.
3. Men who marry must choose carefully, thoughtfully, and wisely.
For men, the situation is similar. In fact, the stakes may be even higher because the man is responsible for the spiritual character, growth, and effectiveness of his family (Ephesians 5:25-33). If he prioritizes youth and beauty, he will have tremendous difficulty motivating and equipping his wife (and kids) to accomplish anything that God cares about. If he marries someone who attracts his attention for her “external adorning”, he is going to realize after they are married that her “adorning” requires so much time and money that there is little to nothing left for much else. This man has just committed his entire life to a very expensive decoration for his home, and decorations do not make for good wives.
Rather, a man must only consider a woman for marriage if she, too, is well-read, willing to make enemies for the sake of truth, willingly accountable to God for all that she does, and enthusiastically committed to prioritizing the priorities of God as revealed in Scripture (not as revealed by her feelings, aka “what God is telling her”). For if the Christian man is unable to live with his wife in an understanding way and to show her honor in the ways that he speaks to her, listens to her, takes her concerns seriously, and equips her to carry out the activities of an ambassador for Christ without micromanagement or regret, even his prayers will be hindered!! Did you catch that?! According to 1 Peter 3:7, if a man does not show honor to his wife in the ways he treats her, his prayers may be hindered!
Brothers, do not allow your ministry to be compromised! Do not allow your prayers to be hindered! Do not be fooled by external beauty that is fleeting and yet has the potential to cause you pain and suffering for the rest of your life! It simply is not worth it! (Proverbs 25:24)
4. Be ready to suffer
1 Peter 3 continues,
8 Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 9 Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. 10 For
“Whoever desires to love life
and see good days,
let him keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from speaking deceit;
11 let him turn away from evil and do good;
let him seek peace and pursue it.
12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are open to their prayer.
But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”
13 Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? 14 But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, 15 but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy...
It doesn’t surprise me that Peter’s thoughts on marriage led him immediately into thoughts on suffering. One of the best, and most memorable sermons I’ve ever heard was called, “Marriage: The Fastest Way to Get Crucified”. And it is. But Peter reminds us here that suffering is inevitable in this life. Some will suffer more than others, but every follower of Christ will experience some degree of suffering. Yet we must make sure we are not suffering for doing evil (or for being stupid), but rather for doing good (as defined by God, not the culture!). As we suffer, we are not to be concerned with revenge, for vengeance belongs to the Lord (Romans 12:19). As Christians, we are to repay evil with good, “for the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”
We can and must make wise decisions. If we don’t read, study, learn, and act, we will make poor decisions and likely increase our suffering (and that of those around us). But in this life, we won’t always be able to out-run, out-hide, or out-fight pain and suffering. Eventually, it will reach us. And that is why we must be rooted in Christ, we must be prepared to the degree that we are able, and we must always find our lasting hope and joy in the next life that is promised to all who choose to follow Christ by sacrificing what is fleeting in exchange for what is eternal.
End Notes
1 There are a few exceptions. For more on this, I recommend What the Bible Says About Divorce and Remarriage by Wayne Grudem.
