10 Behaviors for Christian Women to Avoid in a Potential Spouse, Part 7
Apart from the decision to follow Christ, marriage is the biggest decision you will ever make. It is a lifelong commitment that will impact every area of your life for as long as you both shall live. As Jesus’ disciples realized and the apostle Paul taught explicitly, for many people it is better not to marry at all (1 Corinthians 7). But for those who do marry, it must not be entered into lightly. Here are ten behaviors to avoid in men when considering a commitment for life.
7. Lack of relationship skills.
In the pathetically superficial age in which we live, women tend to place an inappropriately high value on qualities like height, muscles, and a handsome face, but these characteristics absolutely will not sustain a marriage.
First of all, physical appearance is one thing that is guaranteed to change over time. The person you’re looking at when you say “I do” in your twenties is unlikely to look at all the same in his thirties and forties, and he is certain to look different in his sixties, seventies, and eighties. His character and personality are far more likely to remain the same, and even to improve with time, especially if he is seeking the Lord daily and reading good books often.
Second, studies show that the infatuation-like feelings that come from physical appearance wane after only a year or two of a romantic relationship.[1]
The far more important qualities for sustaining a healthy and thriving marriage for the long haul are relationship skills. Can he carry a conversation? Is he thoughtful and interesting? Does he share his thoughts? Does he ask open-ended questions and listen to the answer? When he is asked open-ended questions, does he have something to say?
You can’t possibly know the answer to these questions if you spend your dating relationship in front of a screen, at sporting events, or making out on a couch. It is absolutely critical to spend the relatively short season of dating doing the harder work of trying to figure out whether this person is someone you can enjoy being with for the rest of the your life, even when he loses his hair, his figure, and even his teeth!
Over the years, I’ve gotten to know some excellent Christian women who did, in fact, try to use their season of dating effectively. They spent time talking in quiet restaurants, talking on long walks, and even talking on the phone—sharing their long-contemplated thoughts on theology, apologetics, classical literature, parenting, policy, and culture. The problem was, the woman was the only one talking.
This can seem wonderful for a woman who has a lot to say that is of value, especially if she wasn’t given a lot of opportunities to share her thoughts and feelings with others growing up. Suddenly she has a captive audience, someone who seemingly wants to know what’s on her mind. Often this seems great to the man, too, because he doesn’t have to do any work to hold the conversation. He can either listen, or space out, as long he says, “Uh huh” every so often (and at the right times).
But I’ve heard from woman after woman who enjoyed having the mic while dating, and then realized a few years (or months) into marriage that she had committed to spending the rest of her life with a passive man who had no plan for engineering interactions that develop her personally and help her to achieve goals. This, my friends, is a sure way to find yourself in one of the loneliest situations imaginable...for life!
When two people live together for 50+ years, the conversation is not always wonderful. There isn’t always something to talk about, and often the two people just don’t feel like talking. But if silence is the norm from one side or the other, the marriage will not be healthy for very long. Eventually you will experience a deep loneliness, and you will be tempted to look for intimacy elsewhere.
By contrast, a man who engineers activities that involve interaction, reads books to discuss together, and articulates his thoughts and feelings on a variety of matters, is able to continue to nurture and develop the relationship throughout the decades of marriage. He is able to enlist the support and encouragement of his wife (and friends) as needed. And he is able to live out his image of the triune God, who has been in relationship for all eternity past.
Fortunately, this is a skill which can be learned, but it must be learned and demonstrated before marriage. It is hard work and involves a complete shift in priorities. Marriage-minded men must turn away from spending excessive amounts of time watching Netflix, playing games, and soaking in the messages of today’s culture. Instead, they must surround themselves with such resources as non-fiction books, classical literature, classical movies, and masculine, God-fearing friends who offer accountability and encouragement.
10 Behaviors for Christian Women to Avoid in a Potential Husband: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 8, Part 9, and Part 10.
